She Spoke and She's Full (Part Deux)

Today I have to unpack my suitcase from SheSpeaks.

As I pull out the jeans I wore on Thursday night, I remember standing at the airport in Charlotte, holding a sign to alert others in our group that this was where we were meeting. The sign said “Hungry Girls” and people wondered if they should give me money as they passed me in the airport baggage terminal. But I needed the Bread of Life that only Jesus gives on that day. As I remove the jacket from my suitcase, I see myself sitting at the awesome dinner that Tracy Vinson put together for all the women who arrived early on Thursday. Yet I was filled to the measure by the spiritual buffet I partook in by communing with my Jesus for three glorious days. I take out the sweaty exercise clothes, and giggle as I remember the first time I met Van in the elevator. Just as Jesus met me when I was still a long way off in the distance.


I pull out the white structured jacket from Friday- the one Jeannie Burlowski advised us all to wear on the pre-conference call about how to have a successful publisher meeting and miraculously, it didn’t get a single stain that day. Even still, the garments of my heart have been washed whiter than snow by the faithfulness of Christ. I unroll the white polka dot dress, the one that made me feel like myself in the midst of aching to fit in. Yet God never intended for me to conform to this world, but to become a new creation through Jesus. I remove the petticoat I wore underneath the white polka dot dress, and laugh that I forgot safety pins to secure it tightly, and the night before I wore it I was cutting holes with nail clippers and weaving ribbon in it so it would stay up. With God- all things are possible, even if it’s a burning bush, a talking donkey, or a Holy Child born in a humble manger.

I take the size 14 black pants from my suitcase, and was surprised at how comfortable they were even though they were dress pants. Grace, grace, grace. Next is the white polka dot shirt that reminded me of the uniform of a waitress from a 50’s diner. We are called to be servant leaders, and washers of feet. I remove the binders and papers that were given to me as a new part of the Proverbs 31 family. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. I lift out the shoes- one pair with black polka dots, and the other with white ones. Take off your sandals, for the place you are standing is Holy ground.


As I lift up my favorite black polka dot dress I wore on Sunday morning, I remember how good it felt when I changed my clothes before going to the airport. Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.


Before I know it, my suitcase is unpacked- and I have to wonder. What now?


For the mountain top experience I just had at SheSpeaks cannot equal the drudgery of everyday life. Laughter in hotel rooms late in the night can’t compare to a pile of laundry. Watching the Spirit of God descend down on a room full of women is far from the burnt macaroni and cheese I served last night for dinner. Lysa’s keynote speech about finding your own remarkABLE makes the rest of my life seem utterly unremarkable.


So what now? I have memories, a few pictures, and a binder full of lessons. What else did I bring back with me?


Well, I brought my polka dots…


...and every time I see a polka dot, I am going to remember my 600 plus new sisters in Christ and lift them before the Father. I will smile when the kids are whining "I'm hungry," remembering how something silly like a Hungry Girl sign made people look at me in a different light- and I will strive daily to show how hungry and thirsty I am for God. The next time I hear a roll call or a list of names, I will remember that each of our names were lovingly prayed over before we even got there. Next time I see a Hersheys Kiss, I will remember that Lysa T. gave up her love of all things sugar so I could be blessed and equipped- and trust me, my sweet sister, Jesus honored your obedience.


My suitcase is empty, but my heart is full to the point of bursting. For I saw faces reflecting the glow of being in the presence of our God. Of being broken before our Master.


And there was such beauty in our brokenness.
We are still, though miles apart, the body of the Living Christ.

SheSpoke and She'sFull (Part Une)

So maybe my experience wasn’t like everyone else’s. How often I find that is the case as I meet with other sisters in Christ. But what I experienced was a deep joy straight from the throne of God that couldn’t be found elsewhere. God met me in the quiet of my hotel room and the prayer room, where He gave me peace.

You see, the past 4 weeks have been a flurry of activity for me. Scraping up words to meet deadlines, kids going back to year-round school after summer break, and of course the pressure of feeling like not getting a contract offer would be the end of the world. I was haggard, tired, and under such intense spiritual attack that I could not think straight anymore. By the time I got on the first plane on Thursday morning, I was beyond a basket case. My private time with God felt –if nothing else- removed. I was questioning everything. And I was a wreck.

So it was no surprise that the enemy had an attack up his sleeve as I boarded that first plane. I was sitting next to a fellow who desperately needed Jesus- and a muzzle. He talked the ENTIRE trip, and as I silently was praying for him to come down with instant laryngitis, God answered my prayer with this. “Give it away.”

Not wanting to be the girl who was disobedient to God right before this big trip, I sat there listening to this man’s financial portfolio, graphic descriptions of every surgery he had had since 1962, complete with scar showing for proof, and a slew of other stories. I listened. And as it turns out, I was really glad I did. At the end of the trip, I gave him my business card, and he saw that I was a Christian. I hope that it impacted the way he feels about a woman of faith. Even if she is a size 14 which he considered “HUGE.”

The next flight can only be described as breathtaking. Once we were finally up in the air, I pulled out my MP3 player. As I gazed over the clouds that were billowy and massive, Nichole Nordeman and I asked God if He was “Small Enough” to hear us now. Then came Casting Crowns singing “Your Love is Extravagant.” And finally, the feeling of being removed from His presence came tumbling down, and He was right there with me: holding my heart in the middle of the sky somewhere between Cincinnati and Charlotte. The tears fell, and I was oddly at peace.

As I got to the obviously posh and fancy hotel, I felt the enemy trying to pull out all the stops now. He was going crazy trying to make me follow suit. But after such a precious hour and 20 minutes doing nothing but sitting in my Jesus’ lap, I would have no part of it.

“Look how fancy this place is! You are sticking out like a sore thumb!”

God has purposed for me to be standing right here, fitting in or not. I stand on HIS promises, and I shall not be moved.

“Look at all these other women! You are going to get lost in the shuffle! No one will know who you are!”

My identity is not in myself but in Christ, for I am part of His Holy nation, and HIS fame is declared across the universe.

“You have no idea what you are going to say when it’s time for the book publisher and agent meetings. You are going to sound like an idiot!”

Get behind me Satan, for God will fill my lips with His praise, and He will uphold me in the presence of my enemies (that would be you, mister) and HE WILL ANOINT MY HEAD WITH OIL!!!!

On Friday morning, as I prepared for the worship, preconference seminars, and my 2 publisher meetings, I will admit that my mind was empty. I knew what I was supposed to say, but nothing was flowing. And in my weakness, I prayed. Constantly. I kept my eyes fixed on Him, and not the fear that was attempting to run through my veins.

As I got ready for the day, I stepped outside to see North Carolina’s beauty in the morning sun. And I will admit that I asked God for a little writing on the wall. Just something to calm my nerves and let me know I was in the palm of His scarred hand even still.

And that was when I saw it. On the side of the hotel, scratched on the brick. The Number 66. Immediately my heart lept, and I raced inside to see what Psalm 66 would tell me. This is what it says.

“Shout with joy to God, all the earth! Sing the glory of his name; make his praise glorious! Say to God, "How awesome are your deeds! So great is your power that your enemies cringe before you. Come and see what God has done, how awesome his works in man's behalf! Praise our God, O peoples, let the sound of his praise be heard; he has preserved our lives and kept our feet from slipping. Come and listen, all you who fear God; let me tell you what he has done for me. I cried out to him with my mouth; his praise was on my tongue. If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened; but God has surely listened and heard my voice in prayer. Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me!”

At that moment, I knew that God would give me the words I needed.

I finished getting ready, ate my oatmeal in my room, and went to the prayer room with the Tracys, 2 girls that God sent to me out of my desperate need (both named Tracy, which is great because I’m terrible with names). In the prayer room, each woman was given a name of God that she could cry out. It was really no surprise to me that my name was on the paper for Jehovah-Jireh, meaning “God will provide.” Selah.

And He did!!! During my meeting, as I tried to say all the right things to the potential agent, it came out sounding like I was a crazy women let loose from the wards. I admitted I was nervous, apologized, and he told me to relax, and just talk. At that moment, God released the hounds, and who I am in Christ became apparent. My words flowed like milk and honey as I described all the things I needed to say about the humble offering of a book I was presenting. And I got an invitation to email my manuscript to the agent. The whole thing.

Now, with a light heart and full of praise, God continued to ask me to “give it away” the rest of the entire weekend. Every time I saw a need, my heart gave out of the overflowing bounty that had filled me to the measure. Not to make me look good, but because sisters in Christ NEED one another. They need to see that God can use strangers to impact their lives. Everywhere I looked- I saw need. Prayer, letters of encouragement, anything I could do, I did. I gave and it never ever ever came back empty.

To be honest, I had so much fun finding ways to bless others that I am going to have to fork over money to purchase the conference cds. And I missed a couple of sessions on Saturday too, because I felt such a peace that I overslept and didn’t wake up till after noon on Saturday! Still trying to catch up on rest and being on brain overload, I can’t remember much of what I learned at the moment. Except for this:

“Come and see what God has done, how awesome his works in (this wo)man's behalf!” Psalm 66:5